A Sign

The past four weeks could be described as a whirlwind, a beginning of a new chapter in my life. I have met someone who likes me for me, who is proud of my journey and someone who embraces every aspect of my being. We just get along and enjoy every millisecond of each other’s company. This new chapter isn’t solely dependent on meeting a man. Things have just fallen into place. My running and fitness are going well; I am completely confident that the half marathon is an attainable achievement. And I’m realizing more and more that I am not substandard to anyone and I deserve to be confident and proud. I should boast that loose skin as a sign of my failures and accomplishments. :-)

On Friday, I got a major sign of what my new chapter will include. Relatively speaking, I’ve been pretty quiet on the radar as far as openly expressing my journey. Back in December, I was nominated for being featured as a success story on the Bailey’s Gym new website. I wrote a few paragraphs and included a before and after picture. I thought about it from time to time, but forgot about it until I mentioned it to Matt last Wednesday. On Friday I got a thank you card from the gym. I am one of the few selected as a success story on the gym’s new website! When I looked at the what was back then a “current” picture, I was amazed at how much I’ve changed! That was about 80 pounds ago! Four more 5ks on my racing belt! And a whole lot of extra calories consumed! I’m sending in a more “current” picture. I mention two people specifically in my testimonial. Val, my zumba instructor, because without zumba, I would have never learned to express myself in this unique way. Zumba was the first class I attended at Bailey’s and at least in the beginning, was the only reason I came to the gym. Secondly, I mention Marie, my personal trainer. No amount of words could ever describe how grateful I am for her help, her commitment to someone who others didn’t see the fire inside of me. And, oh yes, I had a fire, but just needed someone to light it. I also can’t forget to mention my two families in Jacksonville. My library fam has been there since before the beginning and their support and encouragement…it’s helped more than anyone will ever realize. My gym fam never gave up on me. It made a difference when you remembered my name when I first started coming to the gym. I can genuinely tell you guys care about me and want to see me succeed. My zumba gals deserve a special mention. Your friendships have helped me so much through all legs of this journey. :-)

If you would like to see my testimonial (updated picture to come soon), visit my page http://baileysgym.com/about-bailey's/testimonials/larissa-buchholz.aspx .

I take this recent development as a sign of what's to come. I think it’s time….

Days 92-106

Day 93: 5.0 mi
Day 94: 3.0 mi
Day 98: 3.0 mi
Day 100: 7.0 mi (not a fluke!)
Day 101: 3.0 mi
Day 103: 0.5 mi (gotta get every bit!)
Day 106: 2.0 mi

TOTAL: 134.15 mi

This is so exciting...I will finish the first of many LJB challenges by the end of next week! 150 miles in less than 120 days! :-)

Reality has set in....

There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, mostly positive ones! As my title says, reality has set in several ways. First, I'm actually starting to believe I can do the half marathon in November. This time last year I couldn't run a mile, well, not even a half mile. Now, I'm running 7 miles no problem! I'm realizing the sky is the limit; I can do anything I put my mind and body to. I'm starting to think about joining a recreational sports team, not sure which one yet, but I have some particular favorites. :-) Second, because of my increase in mileage, I need to buy new running shoes stat! If I can hold off to the beginning of August (like a week or so from now), I can buy some new ones. I also have to think about whether I will need to get another pair before November and whether I can break them in before GO time.

Third, for the first time in my life, I actually feel beautiful. Going on dates has helped me with this. Not to sound too conceited, but guys like looking at me. lol :-) I've always had guys who liked my physique, but I actually like it myself this time! So, slowly but surely, my confidence meter has risen to a respectable level. I am still self-conscious about some things. And this leads me to my next point. There are always going to be haters no matter your size. I think my successes have made a few jealous and envious so they nitpick on my insecurities. It hurts to a certain extent, because I have busted my ass to get where I'm at. I really challenge anyone who doubts me to follow me on my weekly training schedule and let's see who is left standing! I won't be taking a bow anytime soon! To all the doubters/haters out there, the more you nitpick, the harder I work and the better results I will obtain. THANK YOU!

All this cumulates to a huge revelation last night. I'm sorry; it's about clothes shopping again! I went to Dress Barn for the first time ever last night. I didn't know where to start...so many clothes! So, I just started walking left to go around clockwise. One of the employees greeted me and asked if I needed any help. I told her I was just browsing and this was the first time I've ever been there. She said, "Honey, you need to go to the other side. This is the plus size over here. You need the misses section." That is the best compliment I have ever received from a stranger! I was jumping up and down inside. Did I ever expect to hear that in my lifetime? No way! Did I ever expect to wear clothes which have M's and S's in the size? No, I'd thought the X's would win. End result: I bought a Size SMALL shirt on clearance!

Enjoying life as always! :-)

Days 88-91

Day 88: 1.5 mi
Day 89: 1.0 mi
Day 90: 7.0 mi (Yahoo!!)
Day 91: day off

TOTAL: 110.65 mi

Running Update! Days 53-87

I need to keep up with it more often...here's the last few weeks (well, it's been a month lol):

Day 54: 1.0 mi
Day 55: 3.0 mi
Day 56: 3.0 mi
Day 61: 3.75 mi
Day 62: 1.5 mi
Day 63: 2.0 mi
Day 64: 1.0 mi
Day 66: 1.0 mi
Day 67: 1.0 mi
Day 69: 3.0 mi
Day 76: 3.1 mi
Day 77: 5.0 mi
Day 84: 3.0 mi
Day 87: 3.0 mi

TOTAL mileage to date: 101.15 miles....I have surpassed the 100 mile mark...just can't believe I have ran 100 miles since April...Wow!! :-)

My path to the half marathon

This weekend has been the most amazing one ever! A year ago today, I would have never imagined I could complete a 5K, yet alone participate in a 5K tour! I’ve met so many fabulous people at all different paths in this big journey. I can’t explain this journey, because it is always evolving, it’s always changing. All I know is that it’s right for me.

When I started running, I was doing it for me. Now, I’m doing it for everyone. For everyone who has ever had a long-distant dream and have been told you can’t do it. For those who doubt themselves and for those who need an extra push.

Five months from today, I will proudly line up at the start line and listen to that familiar gun go off. On November 27, 2011, at 6:15 am I will be running alongside the Indian River at the Space Coast Half Marathon in Cocoa, Florida. I officially registered this morning!

I have a long ways to go between now and November 27. But to think how far I have came since January when I couldn’t even run a 5K straight through, I know I can do this! The most important aspect of this journey are you guys! The support has been overwhelming and it makes a difference. Thank you so much!!

Benchmark 100

Preface

It’s really amazing and frightening at times that I am opening up completely on this blog for everyone to see. Some people are open books and can talk about the most sensitive subjects without a blink (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I’m not saying that I hide stuff, but I am no open book. I think this may have to do with being betrayed so many times. I don’t open up to anyone, and to those I do open up, it takes time to build that trust. And yet, I am now opening up to the whole world on this blog. I think I’m doing this for the greater good and for the greater me or maybe I’m just crazy. I am writing this preface because what I’m about to say—it’s been a long time coming—is hard for me to talk about out in the open. So, here it goes (I warn you--it's long)…

I remember so vividly when I reached the centennial mark. Wow, losing 100 pounds—amazing. And yet, I woke up most mornings crying in the beginning. And these weren’t superficial tears, these were tears deep, down inside that have wanted to escape for a lifetime. It was like someone snapped their fingers and bam! I was different. I firmly believe in a thing called weight discrimination, because for all my life I’ve been a victim. And suddenly after losing 100 pounds, it stopped. People said I was paranoid. That no one was treating me differently and laughed it off like it was too absurd for a second thought. Yet, when I hit that magic mark, people did treat me differently and my beliefs—what I’ve felt for all my life, were validated.

During this time, my thoughts were dominated by figuring out how people could treat the same person so differently. A year ago, you would pass me in the aisle and try to get as far away as possible. Now, you come so close that we brush shirts, like I’m just an ordinary person. Why? I’m the same; I just look different on the outside. When I took the bus a year ago, you wouldn’t sit by me—you would rather stand in the aisle. Now, you choose to sit by me even though there are other open spots. A year ago, you would look at me and pass me like I’m nothing. Now, you walk past me, smile and say hello, like I’m human.

A year ago, I was treated subhuman. People defined me by my weight. And people had this deep-seated hatred for me or rather “my kind.” I was riding the bus one day a few years ago and this woman who usually always sits by this one guy, was upset when I took the spot next to him, so she couldn’t directly talk to him. She yelled across the bus, “You’ve got a black hole covering your sunshine, dear.” Laughter…

I had someone chew me out once because he saw I had a McDonald’s bag and asked me why I wanted to be fat. Like he was any better with his McDonald’s bag?

I’ve been spit on, gross stuff thrown in my hair, yelled at, “mooed” at, pushed around and all around made to feel like I wasn’t human. Like I didn’t deserve to live.

And that was one of my original motivations when I started this journey…Just to feel normal, like I was HUMAN.

And so, the conflict ensued in my mind…I enjoyed, for the first time in my life, being treated like I wasn’t a freak of nature. But, then I felt guilty because it just wasn’t right!

After six months, I’m still getting used to the difference. I would say most of the differences are due to people’s subconscious actions. It’s not like they’re trying to treat me differently. Our society teaches us that fat people are lazy, stupid and an overall menace to the world. So, I can’t place all the blame on the individual person. However, the overall snide remarks and actions, I place most the blame on the individual. There are always going to be hateful people in the world…but why is there so much hate for fat people? Is it because we’re any easy target? Is it because most people will ignore and/or even laugh at the havoc the bullies cause them? Maybe it was my nice personality that made people think I was an easy target?

There were times that I stood up against the discrimination. One night in my dorm room, I heard my neighbors and their boyfriends walk by. They stopped at our room and started talking about my roommate and I. They had nice things to say about my roommate, but when they got to me, they were laughing about how fat I was…I don’t remember the exact remarks, but it made me so upset that I got dressed (I was in bed about to sleep) and knocked on their door. I directed my brief statement to all four of them. I said something like this: “Hi. I just want to let you guys know that I heard what you said about me at my door. How dare you say that about me! You guys don’t even know me. You can talk all about how fat I am but my fat doesn’t define me. You have hurt my feelings and I have lost all respect for you! If I ever hear you guys talking about me in this discriminatory manner, I will complain to the floor advisor (we were in an honors floor).” I watched as their jaws dropped to the floor. When I was finished with my brief statement, I left their door open, proudly walking away with tears and a smile. I had done it. Finally, I stood up to my tormentors. Needless to say, my neighbors avoided me and really, I ignored them too. Toward the end of the school year, one of them (the other had moved out) came up to me in the bathroom and apologized and we were OK. This is just one story out of many. But most I didn’t stand up for myself.

So, now after many years, I am officially standing up for myself and anyone who has been in similar situations. I think the only way I will make a difference is doing what I’m doing now—writing this blog so people will learn about my experiences.

Whew…this was exhausting!